So just let us fuck. We’ll cuddle you afterwards if you’re good.

The thing that got me most interested was this table:

(Frankly I love how genes are the most unimportant part)

But this got me thinking. Assuming my sister wrote this, or at least read it, she might be aware of gender not equalling sex. I know that she had a service user with special needs who preferred to wear dresses even though he was male-bodied. There was a big fuss about this from some of the other nurses but my sister (quite rightly) pointed out that he was much calmer when he was just allowed to wear what he wanted, and it wasn’t harming anyone else.

I have to admit, in my imagination, when confronting my family about my gender and sexuality, I’ve always gone to her first. Whilst I’m not sure if she actually agrees with many of the queer issues, I know she at least has some knowledge and understanding of it.

I suppose I just wanted to say I’m feeling a little better now than I have been about the whole thing. I’ll be talking about it soon to one of my best friends IRL. If all goes well then the next best friend will be told over summer. And then maybe a few of the other cool people.

Also I find it funny that the table refers to people as cakes. Cake! It’s the only thing that matters because it’s YOU!

Most of the time, I’ll admit, it’s because something is too difficult and I hate effort. Such as learning to play instruments. I have accepted that I do not have the patience to become a decent drummer.

Some of the time, I’ll admit, it’s because I hate the futility of jumping through hoops to get what I want. I have accepted that I do not have the capacity for banality to become a manager of any kind.

But now and again, it’s truly because something is killing me spiritually, and frankly should anyone have to do that for the sake of anything?

Maybe it’s personal weakness. Maybe it’s a case of ‘sucking it up’. Maybe it’s a case of “life’s shit so make shitcakes”.

More than likely it’s simply because I can’t stand my course.

“The first year always sucks.” Yeah but the other two years look sucky too.

“It’s just because you’re older.” Hey now, I’m not exactly using a zimmerframe.

“It’s because you don’t live in halls. You’re not getting the REAL experience.” I think I’d have died much sooner had I lived in halls.

People who have gone through university keep telling me that I should stick with it, that everyone hates it, that I have to do it to get anywhere.

People who work as secretaries or are unemployed I might add.

Look, guys, I am NOT a university person. It involves people. I hate people. It involves learning. I love learning so long as it’s not a chore. It involves writing. I love writing if I can say what I think and not what fits the criteria.

Why did you all tell me to go to university? WHY? You were the ones who claimed it was the best experience in the world.

It is not. It is everything I knew it would be. You are Disney and the university is love. You fed me lies based on experience.

Okay, you didn’t. I admit it. It was my idea. I chose to ignore the bad parts and romaticised the good parts. Can I blame you anyway?

But having spent some time sat in front of the computer in my boxer-briefs with my new packer I can honestly say I have never felt so right.

Mmm.

“Kyle is a woman? She’s pretty!”

Now, I know most female-identifying people will punch me repeatedly in the face for being able to hack off all my hair, not wear make-up and crawl onto a webcam and still be naturally ‘pretty’.

But it so wasn’t what I needed to hear right now. I know it’ll be the first thing out of my family’s mouths. “But you’re so pretty! Why would you become a man?”

I’m not becoming a man. I am one. I just happen to have some stupid Dorian Gray shit going on. It doesn’t work the other way. “Oh Orlando Bloom, you’re so pretty. You should become a woman.”

Argh *rolls around room*

SO WHY DID I TELL HIM?

I’m still not sure on how far I want to go – the lack of ‘perfection’ is something that will require a lot of counselling. But here are my thoughts on the effects of ‘T’ and how essential they are to my personal transition.

All thoughts are personal and NOT a reflection of any other transman.

• Thickening of the vocal chords and deepening of the voice

This is actually my biggest regret. I love my voice. I think with the right voice training, I shouldn’t need to deepen it. I like being able to sing Mika one second and Johnny Cash the next. I don’t want to risk losing the high end.

• Facial hair growth (mustache and/or beard growth)

I have PLENTY of this going on already. If I go on ‘T’ I’m going to look like the lovechild of Omid Djalili and Robin Williams.

• Increased body hair growth (notably on arms, legs, chest, belly, and back)

See above.

• Increased body musculature

This I REALLY want. I hate feeling so physically weak. Of course, I should just exercise and eat correctly. But a little extra help can’t hurt!

• Enlargement of the clitoris

My ‘C’ and I don’t get along anyway. I don’t care what happens to it. If anything, this may annoy me when trying to fit in my STP. Will it rub? That could be fun >.>

• Cessation of menses (monthly periods)

Fancy way of saying you no longer have to fly the red flag. I actually don’t give a crap about periods. However I could still get pregnant, which is the downer. Not that I would have vaginal sex, but it can leak from… yeah you can fill in the rest of the picture.

• Potential hair loss at the temples and crown of the head, resulting in a more masculine hairline; possibly male-pattern baldness

As hairloss is passed down by mothers, this means I’ll have my grandad’s hairline. He doesn’t do too badly for his age, so I’m not bothered.

• Migration of body fat to a more masculine pattern (i.e., fat deposits shifting from hips, thighs and buttocks to the abdomen area)

Oh good, like I need more fat on my abdomen XD I actually have a tiny arse anyway. My thighs are huge though. I’m in two minds about this one.

• Increased activity of the skin’s oil glands (i.e., skin becomes more oily, which may result in acne)

I’ll… just wash?

• Increase in red blood cells (RBC)

GOOD. I am fucking freezing all the time. Men walk around in t-shirts all year around. I want to do that!

• Change in cholesterol levels may occur– the “good” cholesterol (HDL) may go down and the “bad” cholesterol (LDL) may go up.

I am doomed to die by 40 anyway. Bring it on.

• Scent of body odors and urine may change

I’ll… just wash?

• Skin may become rougher in feeling and/or appearance.

Don’t mind. I have such prissy skin.

• Increase in sex drive

Haaaaaa, not possible.

These ones may or may not happen

• The face may become more angular in appearance, with a squarer jaw.

I like my face as it is, but a square jaw is fine.

• Increase in size of feet and/or the width/thickness of hands. Some trans men report going up in shoe size, and some report that their hands become a bit wider. This may be attributed to cartilage, muscle, or connective tissue growth.

You know what they say about a transman with big feet, doncha? Good phalloplasty!

• Increase in energy level.

Yes please, I am so tired all the time.

• Increase in appetite.

Which will be annoying as my stomach shrunk from bulimia.

• Slight decrease in density of the fatty breast tissue. (While this may decrease the size of the breasts somewhat in some individuals, it should be noted that T will most likely not significantly decrease breast size– most trans men require surgery to remove breast tissue.)

They’ll be hacked off anyway.

• Emotional changes. Some trans men report shortness of temper or feeling lethargic/down at different stages of their T cycle (i.e., just after a shot, or a few days before their shot). Others report that T has made them feel more even-tempered and calm. It is difficult to predict what emotional changes, if any, an individual will experience while taking T. As with any new medication or substance you might introduce into your body, it is wise to observe your feelings, make note of them, and discuss them with your doctor if they concern you. Certain emotional ups and downs might be alleviated by adjusting the amount and timing of the dosage, and sometimes these ups and downs will settle down over time on testosterone.

Cannot be worse than when I was on the pill. I went batshit crazy.

So there we go… Mostly an ‘eh’ feeling for ‘T’.

I like my voice T_T

I can’t eat everything.

I was bulimic as a child and teenager, and whilst I do still have bouts of depression where I avoid food, I am no longer hacking it back up again. Unless I eat too much. Which is easily done.

My stomach, at some point, shrank. Badly. I find it very difficult to eat adult portions in restaurants, which leads to snooty looks from waitresses as if to say, “Our food wasn’t good enough for you? Pleb!”

Our food is also becoming Americanised in size, so plates and portions are getting bigger, making me look even more of a fusspot.

I avoid eating in front of people anyway, partly because of my awkward dextrophobia things, but also because I still have that internal fear that I’m being judged when I eat. If I eat something healthy they’re thinking “Who are you kidding, fatso?” and if I eat something unhealthy then it’s “Ha, well no wonder then!”

Stupid, but the fear is still there.

Worse is the feeling of being full/sick.

Some people think feeling full is a comforting thing. I equate it with vomiting. I feel so sick if my stomach is even moderately full. Sometimes I am sick. It’s horrible.

So Xmas comes along and there’s all this nice food. Awesome food. Amazing, only this time of year, food.

And my family eat it all before I can. Because they can eat three times as much as me.

I feel like I’m living in a house share with students. I’ll have to start labelling stuff. Please leave one stuffing ball kthx.

She wants me to visit weekly but I really think I could only mentally (and fiscally) cope with bi-monthly at a maximum. If I can get appointments between lessons that would also help with travel cost. Bit of a wank having to travel out for just a couple of hours.

Trying to find a way to get some video of myself too. The microphone on my laptop is shit, and I talk quietly anyway. It also records out of sync, so I look like a badly dubbed foreign movie. So bleh. If I could find a decent free video editing software I could move the audio along the timeline. WMM does not have the timeline function anymore! How STUPID. Argh.

Done ranting. TTFN.